Let me first be clear on something: I'm not one of those moms or professionals for that matter who think everyone should "win" and get a participatory gold medal. I know from my own experience and watching children grow that sometimes losing is part of the battle. I'm not saying to shield from what it feels like to be disappointed. I'm not even saying to tell them that they should not be upset or to try to cheer them up after a loss. I think some of the most important lessons in life come from figuring out how to pick yourself back up when you fall. A gentle guiding hand and a hug doesn't hurt, but preventing disappointment only hurts kids long term. But there has to be a line between protecting and coddling and full out letting kids act inappropriately in terms of sportsmanship.
On Saturday we went to a Philly Union game. Across from our amazingly wonderful season ticket seats, was a little boy who was probably about 8 or 9 years old. He was pumped to be at the game- you could tell. He never sat down. He had a Union scarf around his neck. And then.... then he opened his mouth. The crass horrible words coming out were atrocious. He was yelling at players and coaches on the opposing team as if he was a 40 year old coach getting riled up on the sidelines himself. He was saying words I don't think are nearly appropriate for a school aged kid. His dad sat silently, never quieting him down. Never telling him to take it easy or to take it down a level. People were staring. Shaking their heads. We were at a PHILLY SPORTS EVENT. So you know if other people were sort of confused and appalled by it, it was pretty bad.
I didn't expect the kid to call out "good play" as the other team scored a goal. But I also didn't expect him to call the players nasty names and become physically irritable when they were winning. And then it happened. In the 88th minute of the game, we scored a goal- which was quickly answered by the other team scoring again. His silent dad broke his silence and the nasty remarks started coming out of his mouth too. If you want to be an adult who says bad words and horrible things about another team (or the referee a few times as luck would have it), that's your choice. But did this dad realize he was creating a mini monster? His son said phrases he clearly was repeating, such as "this is soccer, not ballet" and other remarks that were adult-produced speech emulated in this sweet looking child.
I turned to J at one point and said, "I'm trying not to say something but I feel bad for this kid and his dad is ruining his experience of sports. Also he's really inappropriate." I got that look of, "Don't you dare say a word," from Jamie as we chowed on our Chickie's and Pete's fries. After all, you never know how strangers are going to react. But my blog is mine, and that dad will probably never read it (though oh how I wish he would) so here it goes.
It got me thinking... why is bullying okay in sports? Why do we let coaches push kids to their limits before they even reach puberty? Why are fans allowed to yell obscenities at the other team (especially in front of little kids)? Why are we allowed to slay players from other teams- who actually may be on "our" team tomorrow? I don't expect sports to be all candy canes and rainbows. Competition is good. Sports and responsibility and dedication are amazingly wonderful, shaping, chock full of life activities. But they don't have to be laden with direct distinct bullying and terribly bad sportsmanship. There's a lovely gift we can give our kids- teaching them to be classy and kind and gracious losers. They will still lose, make no mistake, but the way they lose is so important. Teaching anger instead of a slow (maybe even tearful) acceptance of loss, teaching blaming instead of learning a lesson- those aren't helpful at all. Thinking about how some good levels of anxiety may push us to our optimal level of performance? Better use of our emotions. Using our mistakes to motivate us to perform better next time? Absolutely.
I'm not the perfect parent. I don't claim to be and I learn my lessons one day at a time like every other parent out there. But maybe.... maybe we should stop and think really hard before we mold our kids into the mean kid on the team- the bully in school- who hears it's okay to make fun of people and harass people for how they perform on the field, or in life.
These are the kids that will be in school with my kid(s). And while Sienna also will not be perfect (as evidenced by the 8:00am tantrum over a popsicle this morning), I'll try to teach her grace in losing. I'll try to help her understand that calling other people names doesn't make her the winner. I'll surely hug her when she's disappointed and feeling down about not getting or doing what she wants. I married a man- quite purposely- who sees the good and necessity in almost all situations. I know he will help our children do the same as they go through life.
Next time I see a dad and a son or a mom and a daughter (girls are not immune- think mean girl syndrome) like this, maybe I'll toss a compliment the child's way just to see if I can brighten up their day and switch his or her prerogative.
So teach your kids to shake hands when they lose. To get back on the horse when they fall off. To restrain from blaming others for their disappointments. Quite simply, teach your kids despite all odds, to be kind.
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