August 11, 2011

Why girlfriends, fiancees, wives, and other female specimens should not cut male specimens hair. The End.

Remember my good friend who asked Pinterest why we can't have private boards? Well this friend is a dear friend of mine, and we spend many hours lovingly talking over gchat.

This week, another classic topic came up. She told me she was SO MAD at her boyfriend. Why you ask?

Her response was "oh just about the dumbest thing we could ever fight over"

Inquisitive me... I'm thinking... hmmm... about the television being too loud when you go to sleep at night? about the fact that you like to eat chick fil a more often than Taco bell? But no.... instead.... a familiar sounding argument comes up. I call it an argument, but really it's not. It's a state of mind of many men.

The self-hair cut. But you know what's even worse? The FORCED spouse/girlfriend hair cut. And that, my friends, is what my lovely friend found herself in the middle of.

She was trying to convince her boyfriend to go to a barber. Not a prissy $60 hair cut chap, just a $15 barber. But he thought it was so silly to go there... when he has her. Cue my distinct memory from 3 years ago when J approached me with the sameeeee thing. She went on to tell me that when SHE began to cut his hair, despite saying it was not her finest talent, she messed up. There were holes and streaks and circles. Now I sound like Dr. Seuss or something. When I cut J's hair the first time, I think I cut open his ear, cut some sideburns off, and made a ridiculously awkward angle in the back. My friend's boyfriend, and my dear husband, sort of looked like this:
But less cute, they aren't small children.

So in honor of S's (she's my friend, that's her secret letter) and my hair trials and tribulations, and in an effort to convince BOTH men they should try the barber next time, let's discuss the difference between men's and women's hair. Let's also discuss the hardships in cutting men's hair if you are a female, who has no hair cuttery training.
1. Girls hair is long. And if you cut it uneven, someone can fix it. Boys hair is (most of the time) short. If you cut it unevenly and/or cut into their ear and remove some sideburns, it's noticeable (sorry J, I still feel bad about that first experience).

2. Boys hair needs to be cut like every day. Fine, maybe not every day. But every 2 weeks. My locks are cut like once ever 4-6 months. I know, I am supposed to do it more often. But whatever. I don't have to. But if J waited 4-6 months, he'd look like a werewolf cut lose from Twilight.

3. Blades have different lengths. WHAT? First of all, what the heck am I doing near a blade? But that's what you cut dude's hair with. BLADES. Whoever (J) let me near hair "blades" was not thinking this through (enter said cut ear and sideburn time #1). Girls cut their hair with scissors. We can't handle this machinery. And PS we DONT CUT OUR OWN HAIR- because there are pretty nice people at salons who do it for us while offering us some tea or coffee.

4. Last time I checked, I did not have someone who had their hand consistently vibrating from the hair clippers touching my hair. I hate that my hands are numb when I have to steady the blades. I like to call them blades now.

5. This isn't different, or about me cutting hair, but it's important. If you're a guy and you work in an office and get paid money to go to work, you owe it to them not to have a half shaved head or a missing ear. Go to the barber. Or the hair salon, if that makes you feel happy.

Now, let's talk about the difference between hopes and dreams and lost causes. 3 years ago was the first time we had the hair cut encounter. I keep hoping J will change his mind and say I stink at haircuts and go back to Chrissy, his old hair cutting girl who left the place he went to.  I hang onto the dream.... but I think this may be a lost cause. But S, if you or any other girl are out there reading this, break away now. Don't fall victim.

Cutting your spouse's hair doesn't come in the marriage contract. Trust me.



  1. HA HA. I think my shaving off his left sideburn all the way up to an inch above his ear, plus accidentally changing blade lengths midway through the cut, have convinced him to go to a barber from now on. (I hope!). Thanks for the post, it is too funny.
    Love S


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