I read this today:
It got me thinking. The fact that I went back to work after a measly six weeks with Sienna blows my mind now. In retrospect, I wanted so badly to finish fellowship and to be done with training. But goodness, that was not enough time and I think maybe, just maybe, had I known better, I would have put off fellowship for a year. Because here's the secret no one tells you: When you have a real person job, maternity leave is still too short. And the days still fly by. And no one is going to decide that you need more time to bond with your infant and grant you further- never mind paid- leave. It is insanity.
In two weeks, I'll go back to work. I'll pack my pump, my (non dairy) lunch and snacks, and attempt to get out of the house in the morning sneaking in a shower early before either of my girls rise. I'll convince myself it's good for them to have a good working mother role model, when I know damn well my 3 month old would rather have mommy there at home with her than at work. They are too little to grasp that working mom can be a good thing.
Meanwhile, as the WHO and AAP tell me to nurse... returning to work does me no favors. Piper is already a really, really difficult nurser. When we were at a wedding last weekend, she got three bottles while I was gone. The next day you would have thought I was slaughtering her when I tried to nurse. I have other friends whose babies hate bottles and who basically starve themselves all day waiting for mama to feed them. Those babes reverse cycle, no one sleeps at night, and there is just no way that mom is productive at work. Short maternity leave makes it nearly impossible (though I and other friends have done it- it's not without major stress) to breastfeed for the full year, nevermind beyond that. The world is telling us to feed our kiddos the healthiest food, but the work force puts a damper on efforts. I will say, I am lucky to be employed by an organization that empowers women to pump by offering quiet nice places with good amenities and breaks, but it is still no walk in the park. It's actually one of my most dreaded parts of returning to work.
And... what about the fact that at three months our babies are just emerging from that fussy period, and that we finally know their personalities enough to keep them happy and soothed during the day. I am one of the infinitely lucky ones: we have my mom or our nanny with our girls. They LOVE my children. They treat them like gold. But they aren't me. Likely, the girls will be fine. Piper will be eating well so her naps should be longer. Sienna can play and amuse Piper as she gets older. But having one person (who isn't me!) watch my tiny baby and my toddler makes me sad.
Don't get me wrong- there are a few things I am looking forward to- namely eating lunch without holding someone in my right arm and being able to write a full email in one sitting. But, those things could wait another few months until P becomes more scheduled and S is fully adjusted.
So here comes the two week countdown. I have two weeks to also transition Piper to her room and pray that the shower at 6am doesn't rise her from her beauty sleep. Two weeks to figure out some semblance of a schedule. Two weeks to hug and cuddle my girls a little extra. Because, in 14 days me, my pump, and my guilty conscience head back to work.
Don't you think we could all use a little more maternity leave?
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| It's not glorious, but it's the good life. {Sienna is in that cardboard box in the background} |
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