For my "Mean Mommy" friend.

During an otherwise crazy and at the same time mundane day today, I got the email I've been dreading for awhile. I knew it was coming.  My friend, Sam, lost her (hard fought and brilliantly endured) battle with colon cancer at the sickeningly young age of 32. And I sat down to write because, this woman, this mom, deserves to be written about. And as usual, words aren't enough. But let me back up...

When Sienna was four months old, I was losing sanity as quickly as I was losing sleep. Some days I felt like I was unraveling and I needed someone to take my string and coil it back up to get me in order. I found a warm comfort in what some might call strange- two other mamas, with kiddos exactly Sienna's age- that I met on an online baby chat forum. Think match.com for new moms, minus the match and with a lot of added stress laden messages.

Sam and Elisabeth quickly became "real "friends to me. I felt like my heart was connected to them in ways I can't quite explain. We sent thousands (or what felt like thousands-  it could have been hundreds) of emails to each other. I could count on them to answer me at 4am and to hear me out. I knew that they were also awake, staring at their smart phones, reading facebook or pinterest, or an email from each other, hoping their baby would start to head back into a sweet slumber instead of wail. We sort of cut through the fog of new motherhood lack of sleep together. Jamie always joked that Sam was my internet boyfriend because her sweet, creative genes meant she always sent us cute handmade cards and gifts. My sister in law once asked me- who is Sam and Kai?! She likes every photo on Instagram. I explained. She giggled. But I was serious when I said they were my rock during crazy infant days... Sam and Elisabeth were never just Internet friends. They knew and heard more about my inner mom brain than any other humans on the planet. Sam always called herself the "Mean Mommy" because she was the most bad-ass sleep trainer out of all of us (I recall once she slept in the basement so she wouldn't get upset by Kai's cries). To be honest, she was pretty bad-ass in general. I always felt like she was telling me one more cool thing about herself each day.

From four months until two and a half years, our emails continued. Birthdays came and cards showed up. Christmas rolled around and Kai's face was mainstay amongst our fav holiday greetings from friends. We celebrated years gone by and survival of early motherhood. But we didn't know Sam would soon learn that survival was far more than sleepless nights with a newborn, potty training, and toddler tantrums. A few months ago, Sam sent us an email. She was diagnosed with colon cancer. My heart stopped when I read the email. I knew it was bad, but she never once let on to how difficult her journey was- and her beautiful emails were laced with positive vibes of ongoing hope....  Still, I worried about her. I felt the emails fade and her instagram posts became less frequent. My worry grew stronger.

Sam always raved about her family, so it was no surprise that when her husband emailed us, the words that littered the screen were heavily emotional and intensely passionate. He let us know that he was losing his wife. That Kai's sweet and brilliant mama was in palliative care. My tears were not just shed for my own sadness but for her hubby and her son. Sienna is Kai's age, and try as I might, I can't convince myself that there is something bigger than me, some plan to this life, when these things happen. It's so damn unfair for a two year old to lose his mom. It's unfair for a young dad to lose his partner in raising him. And it's unfair that one of the most impactful people on me early in Sienna's life- a time that was one of the hardest I've encountered so far- is not going to get to experience the joys and woes of any more little babies or of her first gorgeous son growing up.

Sams husband sent us family photos with his heartbreaking email- and even sick- Sam was decked out in clothes I could only dream of coming up with and putting together- stylish with a side of funky. I always admired and was mildly jealous she could pull off those outfits. She wore gold sequined shoes on her first day of this battle with cancer. Her closet is likely mourning with the rest of us.  Kai's style echoes hers (Daryl I'll try to send kai anything that screams Sammy style to me as the days go on). I will forever be grateful for knowing her. For having a mom friend who got it. For her email titles that made me laugh including one fondly called "Face down baby" when our littles began tummy sleeping.

We used to joke- we should write a book. A book about sleep training, about getting through the early days, about the power of friendship when you're at the end of your rope. We said it would be composed of our endless emails- interjected with reality- which sometimes we missed the boat on when we slept three hours the night before. There's so little you can do when a child loses their mama; you can't possibly fill them up with the memories you with they would carry with them. But, Elisabeth and I both realized as soon as we heard about Sam that we have to do this. So here's our promise- over the next year or so, to start composing a book for Kai. A book where he can see the ways his mom loved him and caringly put effort into every minute with him- from the time he was tiny. A book where he can laugh as he gets older and has his own kids about how crazy having a newborn is and how his mommy was the leader of the pack of emailing friends.

 

Tonight, I am holding my girls closer. I am shedding tears intermittently between the smiles I show them. I will take in the 1 am and 3am baby wakings, the blow out diapers, the toddler tantrums, the crazy games S asks me to play when it's bed time.  I will hug them extra, smell their sweet baby scents, and nuzzle my nose into their hair and kiss them goodnight, but not without a few extra minutes of their little hands and chests slowly relaxing into me. I will hold my husband's hand longer- and embrace the love that's in front of me. Because, I get to wake up and do it every day. I get to be a mom, a wife, I get to indulge in the real raw emotion that is family. I know Sam would have given anything to get to continue this. When I start to get lost in the mix that is the frustration of motherhood and wifehood and life, I'll think of her.

She lived her life with vigor and hope and love. With dignity and strength and the kind of brilliance and shine that is felt even through an email. Sam, even from afar, we will do everything we can to make sure little guy of yours feels every ounce of love you had for him. Here's to you, mean mommy- you were truly truly one of the best.

Maternity Leave.

I read this today:

Working Mother's Plea to the President 

 

It got me thinking. The fact that I went back to work after a measly six weeks with Sienna blows my mind now. In retrospect, I wanted so badly to finish fellowship and to be done with training. But goodness, that was not enough time and I think maybe, just maybe, had I known better, I would have put off fellowship for a year. Because here's the secret no one tells you: When you have a real person job, maternity leave is still too short. And the days still fly by. And no one is going to decide that you need more time to bond with your infant and grant you further- never mind paid- leave. It is insanity.

 

In two weeks, I'll go back to work. I'll pack my pump, my (non dairy) lunch and snacks, and attempt to get out of the house in the morning sneaking in a shower early before either of my girls rise. I'll convince myself it's good for them to have a good working mother role model, when I know damn well my 3 month old would rather have mommy there at home with her than at work. They are too little to grasp that working mom can be a good thing.

Meanwhile, as the WHO and AAP tell me to nurse... returning to work does me no favors. Piper is already a really, really difficult nurser.  When we were at a wedding last weekend, she got three bottles while I was gone. The next day you would have thought I was slaughtering her when I tried to nurse. I have other friends whose babies hate bottles and who basically starve themselves all day waiting for mama to feed them. Those babes reverse cycle, no one sleeps at night, and there is just no way that mom is productive at work. Short maternity leave makes it nearly impossible (though I and other friends have done it- it's not without major stress) to breastfeed for the full year, nevermind beyond that.  The world is telling us to feed our kiddos the healthiest food, but the work force puts a damper on efforts. I will say, I am lucky to be employed by an organization that empowers women to pump by offering quiet nice places with good amenities and breaks, but it is still no walk in the park. It's actually one of my most dreaded parts of returning to work.

 

And... what about the fact that at three months our babies are just emerging from that fussy period, and that we finally know their personalities enough to keep them happy and soothed during the day. I am one of the infinitely lucky ones: we have my mom or our nanny with our girls. They LOVE my children. They treat them like gold. But they aren't me. Likely, the girls will be fine. Piper will be eating well so her naps should be longer. Sienna can play and amuse Piper as she gets older. But having one person (who isn't me!) watch my tiny baby and my toddler makes me sad.

 

Don't get me wrong- there are a few things I am looking forward to- namely eating lunch without holding someone in my right arm and being able to write a full email in one sitting. But, those things could wait another few months until P becomes more scheduled and S is fully adjusted.

 

So here comes the two week countdown. I have two weeks to also transition Piper to her room and pray that the shower at 6am doesn't rise her from her beauty sleep. Two weeks to figure out some semblance of a schedule. Two weeks to hug and cuddle my girls a little extra. Because, in 14 days me, my pump, and my guilty conscience head back to work.

 

Don't you think we could all use a little more maternity leave?

 

It's not glorious, but it's the good life. {Sienna is in that cardboard box in the background}

 

 

 

And so today, my world, it smiles.

{That was our wedding song, and the words written in my wedding card}
Happy fourth anniversary, J!

 

You are a stunningly patient and calm partner,

An adoring dad to our two girls.

You are nothing if not determined.

Rebuilding swingsets, playing imaginary train rides with Sienna.

Swaddling Piper and asking her "what's wrong buddy" when she cries.

Putting your arms around me for an extra hug when I need it.

You make us laugh. You keep things light.

You're our happiness at the end of each day.

 

There's not a day goes by that I am not reminded of your good qualities.

Even when life gets rough, and tiring,

You're there.

And when there's happiness, you're beside me.

 

I love you today.  I will love you always.

 

XO,

M

Baby Piranha... The case of the difficult nurser.

I hesitate to write about the negatives, the struggles sometimes. It feels self-pitying, and life is pretty good. But with all the ups of parenting and babyness, there are downs too. And while Piper has some of the greatest qualities in a sweet baby (already smiling, sleeping pretty well, loves to cuddle), breastfeeding has not been a walk in the park.

At discharge from the hospital, we were doing awesome. Piper was nursing all the time. But almost as soon as we got home, she was difficult. Head bobbing, crying before nursing, stopping halfway through to scream. Her poop (sorry TMI) was greenish and watery. We also got a lovely major encounter with thrush- both of us. I found myself pulling through the CVS pharmacy with a fussing baby in the back seat waiting for nystatin- for her and diflucan- for me.  It got worse as she got older and by two and a half weeks, I was in tears and on the phone with the pediatrician and lactation consultant after almost a full day of no nursing and uber engorgement.  The ped said to come in, and after a half hour on the phone with the LC, she even suspected something was up: namely reflux. She said it could also be oversupply and to try to get P to nurse longer on one side.

A wailing baby from almost a half day of no nursing and an hour at the ped later, we had a prescription for zantac, a strong recommendation for me to go dairy-free in my diet, and the advice to block feed.

The truth is, since we did all of this at once, I am not sure where the improvement came from. But for a couple weeks, nursing was bearable. Not great but reasonable. Piper was putting on weight and she was happy between feeds.

A few weeks later, right before her six week birthday, she started getting fussier again after a day of two bottles (I went to meet my new niece and wasn't home for two nursings), and totally went on a nursing strike. This lasted for a day - a day of wailing and of me absolutely breaking down in tears from it all. It was too much and I was so sad for both of us. I called the LC again. I asked her to come back and watch Piper feed. We upped her zantac, but my suspicion was that it was the bottles. She said it just may be. Insert fear of going back to work here. She also said Piper is a super efficient and well- greedy! nurser and she gets impatient waiting for the let downs so she pulls off and cries until she gets another one. She also will not nurse if she hasn't pooped that day- a major issue considering that she doesn't go daily. Ohhh drama queen already - definitely my kiddo! When she was here, she taught sienna "how to nurse" with her baby. The cutest thing ever.

She's still not perfect. We are almost 7 weeks into this thing. One and a half months of my twelve month goal. Who knows, I may not make it to a year if this continues. But every feeding we make a new attempt at this. She sleeps so well when she feeds well during the day, so it's also distressing when our last two feeds are difficult because I know there's a hard road ahead for overnight. When she doesn't feed well? She's up and gassy and cranky. It's so sad because I know she can do a good 6 hour snooze for me!

I'm hoping for 12 months of nursing, but I'm thankful for each day longer we make it in this crazy relationship. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all rearing their heads. Because when she nurses well I gaze down at her and see my sweet girl just needing some care from her mama. And when it's bad, we sometimes just cuddle up and throw in the towel for that feeding, me fighting back my own tears. As she gets older I hope it gets easier; I hope we get into a better groove. For the love of god, without the ability to nurse in public places (she won't nurse under a cover and the efforts and screaming that come with it are mind boggling sometimes) I feel like a prisoner in my house some days!

Goal of the week: get both girls out on my own and not let this difficult nursing thing get the worst of me. One day at a time here, one day at a time.

After a good feeding...

Nursing our babies.

Sienna says..

After falling down and hitting her elbow, S usually yells mommmyyyy.
Today?  My mom was with her.
And she said "I need to go wake up Piper to make it better! She's my buddy!"

Heart. Melted.

To my sweet sweet Sienna

Best Buddy,

Though my patience runs out some days and I know we are both trying to get the hang of this adjusting to a newborn in the house thing... there are things I want you to know.

I miss you painfully at times. Before Piper, it was just you and me on our days home. There was a lot of cuddling (before and after nap), laying in bed watching movies towards the end of my pregnancy, and there was tons of attention for just you. When you scraped your knee outside and yelled for me, I ran. When you wanted a snack, you asked me. When you wanted to laugh, you found humor in the silliest things and we laughed together endlessly.

Sweet girl, things have changed, yes. But you'll always be my baby girl. You are the one who built me up and broke me down in those first days of motherhood over two years ago. You are the one who taught me that crying newborns can still be very happy infants. You showed me the ropes- we grew together. No one- not another sibling nor anyone else- will ever have that bond. We learned how to do this mama and baby thing together- and each milestone you reach shows me again how to navigate the crazy waters of parenting.

It's not perfect right now- you and I are both figuring out how to find our groove again. But I promise you this- I promise that in a few months when Piper doesn't need so much constant care, I have a ton of adventures planned for us. You will always be high on my priority list. And I'll always love you in a way that I will never love anyone else- and you will forever be my little buddy.

Hang in there sweet girl. One day we will look back at these days and laugh.

Xoxo
Mama

First Family Outing

I probably have five minutes of down time right now while both girls sleep overlaps (miraculous).

 

Today is a day you dream about- 70 degrees, sunny, a little breeze. So when we got up this morning I declared that after I fed Piper I was taking a shower and this family was getting on the move.  We are members of Hagley Museum in Wilmington and today was the car show- I knew this meant sunshine, yummy food, a place for S to run rampant, and some fresh air for all.

 

I washed my hair. I dried my hair.

We packed a diaper bag for two kiddos.

Convinced Sienna to get dressed before 9:30 am.

I fed Piper one more time and we piled the girls in the carseats.

 

I was sort of (very) nervous for the short drive.

The girls were champs.

P started to cry a little and Sienna chirped up,

"Don't worry little one, we just have to park".

A sweet big sister (even though she's still struggling with a sibling).

 

Piper transferred easily from her carseat to the stroller.

We strolled the grounds.  We ate crab cake sandwiches- delicious.

Sienna had Hawaiian ice and a hot dog. Healthy, I know.

We looked at old cars and S found a fire engine.

She liked the music way better than the cars. Dancing is her jam.

We saw friends. Human contact for the win!

S may have had a second ice on the way out (car bribe and avoiding car naps).

 

A really good morning with my favorite three people.

Sisters.

Life with two kiddos is amazingly mind blowing, but wonderful. Sienna is sweet as pie with Piper most of the time.  She is still learning how to be gentle and thinks it is fun to wake her up from naps, but she's really doing great.

 

I am sort of in awe of how bonded they already seem. Piper is too little to track and follow Sienna, but she reacts when she hears her voice. She stares at her in the morning as if to ask her what is going on in this crazy world. Sienna is already fiercely protective (okay maybe possessive) of her "baby sister" and told another kiddo in our neighborhood the other day on a walk not to wake up her little baby sister. She goes over to her when she cries and says, "don't worry, you'll be okay" and "aww little lady, what's wrong". I think if I let her she'd tote Piper around like a doll. The outcome of that would likely be tragic so we will hold off.

 

I can already imagine life next summer- Sienna holding Piper's hand as she starts to stand and toddle- telling her about the ocean and the beach and probably giving instructions on what to do. So far, at just three weeks, Piper seems a bit more laid back than Sienna- maybe she got those Walls genes from daddy. I imagine her rolling her eyes at Sienna at times as they grow up, but going along with her crazy ideas.

 

I can't wait to see how their sister relationship develops over time. I think this is the greatest gift both of them will ever get- a sister to grow up with and explore the world together!

 

I love you both little itty bitties.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Piper Emily Walls has arrived

Piper is here! After lots of prelabor, she arrived fast and furiously.  Her entrance into the world was wonderful and big sister Sienna did so amazingly at the hospital.

I find I have no time to blog with two kiddos but I know in 6 months when Piper has the same bed time as Sienna and we are all getting more sleep it will come back to me.

For now, here are two of my favorite pictures. Hoping to get Piper's birthday story and more photos up really soon!

Welcome Piper! We adore you!

 

 

38 weeks, 4 days, and waiting for baby....

Weeks:  38 weeks, 4 days when I took this yesterday. These maternity jeans are still hanging in with me. It was rainy and cooler so I got to wear pants yesterday- what a concept!
Feeling: Contractions super frequently. Tired. I wake up every hour to pee at night if not more. I can't stop drinking because they the crampy contractions get worse.  Doing a lot of questioning if I am in labor but so far, nope!
Belly:  Huge. I can no longer effectively shave my legs or tie shoes. Thank goodness for flip flops!
Movement: A ton- and big movements. I actually had my OB check her position today with a little fear of her being transverse but she was not!
Craving:  Still thirsty alllll the time. Big meals are out, but I want random little snacks through the day. Probably better anyway. Dinner is no longer my friend and I end up with a 8pm little snack instead.
Gender: Girly girl and miss Sienna is super pumped about her "BABY SISTER!" 
Other symptoms: Nausea! Yuck! Still there. Back pain. Nose bleeds almost daily. Umm... peeing 8 billion times a day which I can't wait to stop doing!
Random thoughts: Just like with Sienna, I cannot believe I am progressing so much but not in labor. But last time I was not in pain, this time tons of pain. I hope baby holds on until Monday when my OB is back in office, but Sat or Sun would be okay too.
Looking forward to: Meeting our girl. That's really it. And praying this does not happen middle of night and freak Sienna out!


Here's to hoping this is the last official pregnancy post...